Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Les chiottes Turc

Day 2 of the 6 day shift cycle. Shift 4:00 am till midday
Tiles made: Ventilation BV - 4200
Dry Tiles unstacked: Ventilation BV, Marseilles 50 Rouge

Easy day tiling. However, at the halfway break I had to go to the loo.

Which brings me to:
Top tips for using French squat toilets or turkish toilets as they are known in France.
First, let me decribe what you're looking at. The whole white thing is the china toilet pan, which is at ground level. In this picture all the tile surround is angled toward the pan to make cleaning easier and is a sensible shade of brown. You have just opened the door, and are standing in the doorway looking in and down on the toilet. When you use the toilet you will turn around and face the door. The two raised bits of china with the criss-cross pattern are for your feet. You stand on them and then squat down. Normally, in a full squat, with your feet on the platforms, your arse will be above the hole in the middle. The little black thing on the back is where the flush will come from. Where is the button/chain/lever to make it flush?
Could be bloody anywhere - its part of the fun.

If you have a choice of cubicles, like us at the factory, take time to choose the cleanest. If there is inly the one, like at a cafe, tough.
At a terra cotta tile factory there is lots of clay mud on workers boots. Mud and shit look similar. Luckily they smell different. A muddy stall is not a disaster, whereas a shitty stall definitely is.
Next, make sure there is loo paper (pc in France, short for papier cul or "arse paper") If necessary take the loo paper from the dirty stall to the clean one that is without.
Find a clean piece of floor to put the loo paper on, or tuck it in a pocket.

Now, men - have a piss first, standing up. You're likely to be pissing anyway and doing it first, standing up, minimises the risk of pissing over your trousers later. and don't piss all over the foot ramps, you'll be standing there shortly.
Ladies - sorry, you'll just have to be more careful than us (as usual).

Empty your trouser pockets of anything that can fall out, and put it in a shirt/jacket pocket. You do NOT wan't to be fishing keys/money/wallet out of this mess.

Now, you are facing the door, feet on the pads/steps/platforms. Lower your trousers and pants in a cunning manner so that the doo not touch any mess that is already on the floor. Grab the crotch of your trousers and bunch it up in your fist so you can hold your trousers and pants up away from the floor and out away from your tackle.

Squatting is easier for men. Unless you are a sumo wrestler you won't have the thighs to hold a half squat for a long time. Squat right down and use your hand to hold your tackle behind your bunched-up trousers. Don't be delicate, you don't want to crap or piss in your own pants!
Don't be too far back in the stall or you'll crapp all over the thing that flushes. Or leave a big skid mark. It's no big deal, but hey, we can rise above the level of these people!

Wipe up, but before flushing, step away from the pan. The flush goes everywhere, part of the reason those foot things are raised. To be real safe, open the door and be on the way out as your flush.

Ultimate tip: clench your butt cheeks and hang on till you get home!


At 8:19 am, Blogger Lorraine said...

LOL, Oh My God, it's so disgusting. Good post Stew, I mean Shitty post Stew :)
I bet you have to pay for the toilet paper!

At 5:40 am, Blogger Helen Haridon, MD said...

The Japanese have those as well, the filthy brutes. But on the whole, I have to say that the former Axis nations are very clean and well behaved. Except for Italy, of course. And France.

At 12:14 pm, Blogger Chris said...

Excellent post Stew. Had me laughing out loud.

Before I came here I was dreading encountering one of these things.

I've now been here 14 months (11 in rural Normandie and 3 in Lyon) and thankfully still haven't seen one.



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